Lincensed and Joy

With a very tough emotional week behind me, I realize I never posted that we are officially licensed!!  We found out on Monday that our license went into effect on January 18!!  While we are not interested in providing foster care, this is part of the process so when the boys are staying with us (until adoption) we will technically be providing foster care (fostering to adopt) until the adoption takes place.  This can take between 6-12 months depending on the situation. 

I am also very grateful to be where we are today.  Less than one year ago (end of last February) was when I seriously began praying about this whole adoption thing again.  7-8 years ago I was sure this was going to be a part of my life, but Tim and I realized that the timing wasn't right.  I felt the "call" very strongly again last February (actually quite a few months before) and began praying about it.  I think somewhere around last March I was sure that this was something God was calling me to do.  Actually, I don't really like the phrase "calling". 

I believe I was created by God and put here to do this. 

It blows my mind to think about all the changes that have occurred over the past 9-10 months.  I can't believe we are now a licensed  home ready to accept a son into our home (you have no idea how crazy this is to write!).  I can't believe that Tim is willing and excited to welcome another person into our home (he was so against this in the beginning).  God has moved in so many ways and has already done so many impossible things.  He has come through and answered so many of my prayers.  I just know that He is getting ready to answer another....

Every time over the past year I've prayed for the impossible and continued to believe...even when it looked hopeless...God answered my prayers.  It always took longer than I thought and the pain was always a lot harder to get through than I anticipated.  I held my faith, didn't give up, and He was faithful.  In all cases, one thing was the same.  In the beginning stage, I would get excited with my idea/vision.  Next, I would go through the waiting stage and think "man, this is taking longer and is tougher than I thought it would be".  In the waiting stage I kept praying and believing and was still filled with hope.  The final stage was my "barely holding on stage".  It was when I felt like I could hardly take it anymore and if God wasn't there holding me up, I was seriously going to lose it!  Ever feel like that?  It was when I started questioning everything I was doing and had to decide if I was "all in no matter the cost".  I had to decide if I was going to keep going no matter how painful it became.  Then, all of a sudden it would be like something clicked inside of me and I got a second wind.  I believe it was God giving me the grace to keep moving forward.  The most important thing about that final stage is that it was always the stage right before I received the blessing! 

As I sit back and reflect on this past week, a familiar wave of recongition passes over me.  It is like an old friend visiting...not necessarily one that you enjoy seeing, but you know that as soon as this old friend leaves, there will be great joy. 

God Hit Me on the Head!

Ok....if you have not yet read the post that I just published, you need to read that first.  I am really kicking myself right now for not seeing it and being too quick to act (write).  I just got done publishing it and then what do you know?  God throws a certain scripture right at me (literally in my face)!  Here it is:

"Let us hold on to the hope we say we have and not be changed.  We can trust God that He will do what He promised."            Hebrews  10:23

How could I have been so blind??  I'm so tempted to delete my first post, but then that would be deleting part of my story and I can't do that.  Anyone who cares about our story needs to see the whole thing...the ups and downs....the emotions....and the attacks.  And how God brings me right back to Him every time.  This story is too important to edit or to delete certain parts and I really believe He is asking me to share it. 

Letting Go...

I'm not even sure what to write right now.  I have such a mix of emotions.  I know what I'm "supposed to feel".  Wait....I take that back.  No, I don't.  What am I supposed to feel?  You name the emotion and I've already been through it, talked myself back out of it, prayed, gotten back on track...and then Wham!  They are all back again and I go around in that circle again. 

Impatient, frustrated, confused, frustrated, sad, frustrated, angry, frustrated, anxious, frustrated, expectant, frustrated, excited, frustrated....did I mention frustrated?  Then I get to where I remind myself that God has a plan for us....for our family...and for our future sons.  He knows who will be coming into our home and when.  My frustration only comes when I keep trying to figure it all out.  When I become impatient and frustrated is when I realilze I'm trying to grab the pen from God's hand AGAIN!  Only He is the author of this story...not me.  When I am getting confused and frustrated and trying to figure things out, I've gone too far....I've gone beyond trusting God and beyond having faith.  I'm trying to take control.  This is a lesson He is continually trying to teach me. 

We heard back about our inquiry of the 15 year old boy (seemed like a great kid).  He is no longer available for adoption.  Hopefully this is a very good thing for him.  I don't have details, but I pray he is with relatives or another loving family and will be given a great future.  In being completely honest, I am very disappointed because he did seem like such a great kid, but I am truly very happy for him. 

Still no word from "C"'s worker.  It has been 2 1/2 weeks that they have had our home study.  I am very conflicted.  Part of me says "Don't give up.  Keep fighting for him."  Another part of me is saying it is time to let go.  I need to give it completely over to God and stop praying for what I want and what I think should happen and start praying for the person who NEEDS US.  I know that there is a young man out there that God has already chosen for us, who will fit in with our family, and who needs us very much.  I think I need to let go of "C" and let God have complete control (not that I really have any control anyhow....but you understand).  I'm not saying that "C" is NOT the one for our family....he still could be, but I feel maybe I need to let him go to truly find out.....

I have to say that this is not easy to write.  It is not easy to write what is on your heart knowing others might read it.  It's not easy putting your thoughts out there, not knowing what the actual "life outcomes" will be.  The whole world will see what happens.  I may look like a fool.  In my first post I talked about how risky this is.  But, I also said I want to follow Jesus and I know that in order to do that you need to get out of the boat and step onto the water. 

I guess if you are reading this, then I've decided it is worth the risk and I've made my choice.....I've let go.....

Adoption Update

I figured I owed it to everyone to tell you exactly what is going on right now (exact details) with the adoption process.  We heard back from the worker of the younger (14 yr old) boy we were interested in.  They are currently exploring the option of placing him with a relative right now.  We don't know how that will turn out.  If it doesn't work out, they will have our home study on file and will consider us. 

I just posted on the current situation with "C".  We are praying hard to hear some good news...and I believe we will! 

We just asked our worker to inquire about another 15 year old boy.  He's been on my heart for a few months now, but we were waiting to see how things played out with the other situations first.  We requested that she send our home study to his worker and to see if he is available or not. 

I'll keep you posted as I expect to hear something soon.  My faith is strong and I know God is working for the good of these boys and for our family.  Please pray for all of us!  

Praying Like Crazy....

Something has been happening.  I've been feeling a "change" inside.  I feel like I shouldn't actually be posting it on the blog, but then again....why not?  I believe that God is moving right now and that He is working on something big.  Over the past week, I've shifted from having feelings of doubt, fear, frustration, and discouragement (although fighting them 100% because I know where they are coming from!) to feelings of expectation, anticipation, joy, and another feeling that is very difficult to put into words.  It is kind of like my heart is swelling up and about to explode out of my chest.  I have this intense longing to bring my "boys" home.  It is hard to give an update on what is going on because I don't have answers.  All I can say is that God is working and I believe He is working miracles behind the scenes. 

I asked for prayers a few months ago about "C" and there was an entire team praying.  Since then, I believe everyone, except ME, has given up thinking that there is a chance that he will be coming to our family.  I still believe.  I will continue to believe until God tells me no.  If that happens, I will accept it, but until that day comes, I will continue fighting for this young man with everything I've got!  Why, you  might ask?  The only answer I can give you is "because I've been told to!".  We're running off a long-shot right now.  Our home study is with his worker and him.  We're just waiting to hear back.....  That is why I'm praying like crazy.  Praying that this mountain will move and this young man can have a family and a chance.  He's been looking for a permanent home for over 3 years now and has given up hope.  My desire is that God will allow our family to be used for Him to work through us to restore this young man's hope. 
I've debated on whether or not to post the following, but we've had this hanging on our fridge for months.  This is a poster that the young man drew.  Please click here to view it and PLEASE join us in praying for him! 

Priorities

Ok...so it has been way too long since I've last posted.  If you actually read this, I apologize.  I was thinking no one really read this anyway, so it didn't matter.  But, I have to keep in mind that this is also my personal documentation of our journey to adoption.  Along the way...it is a great place for me to voice my many opinions, thoughts, and ideas. 

So, we have actually been doing great with simplifying life!  I've done all the things on my previous post that I said I was going to do.  Here are the big things:

1.  I've made more time for my priorities!!  Yes, I've actually scheduled them in.  As crazy as that sounds, I realized that some of the things that are most important to me are the very things that get cut out of life due to "lack of time".  I figured if I scheduled them in, then they couldn't get cut out.  So, we now have....

• Family Game Night----every Friday night we make homemade pizza (gluten-free of course!) or nachos and play board games.  Last week was Monopoly...it was so much fun!  We realized we don't have a Scrabble game so we picked one up this week.  It is a great way to make sure that we are spending time together as a family, laughing and having a good time!  It is also something to look forward to every week!  Playing games is one of the highlights of our camping trips and holidays....we figured why does it only have to be for special occasions??

• Tim and Jen Date Nights----every Saturday night is Tim and Jen Date Night.  How cool is that?  It is a essentially giving ourselves permission to have fun and do things without our kids...no guilt.  We even make it fun for our kids by renting Redbox videos for them or letting them play Wii or PS3.  We stay home 3 Saturdays a month and plan to go out once a month.  The kids like Date Night just as much as we do! 

• Jen  Time----each night I have at least 1/2 hour to myself to read or do whatever I want by myself.  Alone time is something  that has always been very important to me, but it is always the first thing I've sacraficed when life gets busy.  I now realize how important it is to make sure I have this time every day. 

• Tim and Jen Time (daily)---We spend at least 15 minutes each night talking or connecting.  This is another thing that is very important for a healthy marriage. 

• God Time---Every day....this is the most important part of my day.  I spend this time reading, studying, praying and listening.  I also make it a priority to speak to Him throughout my entire day and realize I cannot get through a day without Him. 

2.  Things I've Cut Out

• Facebook (I go on maybe once every few weeks for 5 min.).  This produces absolutely no fruit in my life....it just steals time.
• TV (Ok...I admit...I do watch the Bachelor...but that counts as Jen Time!  That's it...I watch nothing else other than movies with Tim during Date Nights!)
• Bringing work home---it will still be there tomorrow!
• Working late
• Weekend Shopping---what a time killer!!
• Coupons and matching sale ads to our weekly menus (at this point in my life...my time is more valuable)

3.  Steamlining and Amazing Changes

• Monday Night Grocery Shopping....keeps my weekends free, stores are stocked, much less people, and Mondays are a wasted day anyhow
• Whole family does chores together on Saturday morning.  All housework is done by noon...the rest of the weekend is free! 
• We all have chore lists (daily, weekly, and monthly...they are awesome!).  Our house is now more organized and in better shape than ever while we have more time than we have ever had!!! 
• I make a menu plan and grocery list for the week every Saturday morning (one of my chores).  This makes dinner prep during the week so easy!  **Having a gluten-free household can be very difficult at times (although it is getting easier).  It is essential to be prepared and have a good plan for meals, snacks, etc.
• On our menu planner, we have a grocery list so throughout the week, if we run out of anything, we add it to our list to get on Monday
• We only go to the store one time per week---huge $$$$ saver! 

Here is a link to some of the wonderful forms I've found.  I like the cleaning lists (I customized them).  Here is the meal planner I use.  There are also a bunch more great organizational tools here.  Enjoy!

I hope that you can find some of this helpful.  It has helped our family tremendously!!!