I'm not even sure what to write right now. I have such a mix of emotions. I know what I'm "supposed to feel". Wait....I take that back. No, I don't. What am I supposed to feel? You name the emotion and I've already been through it, talked myself back out of it, prayed, gotten back on track...and then Wham! They are all back again and I go around in that circle again.
Impatient, frustrated, confused, frustrated, sad, frustrated, angry, frustrated, anxious, frustrated, expectant, frustrated, excited, frustrated....did I mention frustrated? Then I get to where I remind myself that God has a plan for us....for our family...and for our future sons. He knows who will be coming into our home and when. My frustration only comes when I keep trying to figure it all out. When I become impatient and frustrated is when I realilze I'm trying to grab the pen from God's hand AGAIN! Only He is the author of this story...not me. When I am getting confused and frustrated and trying to figure things out, I've gone too far....I've gone beyond trusting God and beyond having faith. I'm trying to take control. This is a lesson He is continually trying to teach me.
We heard back about our inquiry of the 15 year old boy (seemed like a great kid). He is no longer available for adoption. Hopefully this is a very good thing for him. I don't have details, but I pray he is with relatives or another loving family and will be given a great future. In being completely honest, I am very disappointed because he did seem like such a great kid, but I am truly very happy for him.
Still no word from "C"'s worker. It has been 2 1/2 weeks that they have had our home study. I am very conflicted. Part of me says "Don't give up. Keep fighting for him." Another part of me is saying it is time to let go. I need to give it completely over to God and stop praying for what I want and what I think should happen and start praying for the person who NEEDS US. I know that there is a young man out there that God has already chosen for us, who will fit in with our family, and who needs us very much. I think I need to let go of "C" and let God have complete control (not that I really have any control anyhow....but you understand). I'm not saying that "C" is NOT the one for our family....he still could be, but I feel maybe I need to let him go to truly find out.....
I have to say that this is not easy to write. It is not easy to write what is on your heart knowing others might read it. It's not easy putting your thoughts out there, not knowing what the actual "life outcomes" will be. The whole world will see what happens. I may look like a fool. In my first post I talked about how risky this is. But, I also said I want to follow Jesus and I know that in order to do that you need to get out of the boat and step onto the water.
I guess if you are reading this, then I've decided it is worth the risk and I've made my choice.....I've let go.....
Jen,
ReplyDeleteLetting God have complete control is not an easy thing to do. There was a time with Rachel that I would let it go and take it back again and again and when Justin was in Iraq and Afghanistan that I would do the same thing. But God is the God of impossibilities but the timing is His and not ours. Keep posting your an encouragement to many. I would like to talk to you on the phone and tell you a story of a friend of ours and there ups and downs with a child they wanted.
Keep looking up.
That's what I feel I am doing...letting go, then taking it back, again and again. It is hard for me to let go mostly because I KNOW that there have been several times throughout the past 9 months where He has told me to push forward, not give up, and fight for certain things. And...if I hadn't...I wouldn't be where we are right now. Now things have changed and I know I am just supposed to sit back and wait and it is very hard for me. I've always been a person of action and when I see something that needs to be taken care of, improved, or done, I just do it! I know that my character is really being worked on right now. I appreciate you sharing...it makes me feel like I'm not the only one!
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